On the last Sunday of January, we were all sick, coughing, snotty the whole nine yards. I still had to go to school the next day, so we put the kids in our room so we can have the humidifier going for Maira and the kids and I slept on the couch so when my alarm went off I wouldn’t wake anyone. While laying there, I was really being attacked, especially every time I heard the kids or Maira cough. “What kind of a dad would leave a perfectly good job with insurance? Now the kids are sick and you can’t even take them to the doctor! What kind of dad are you? Look at what you’ve done!” That’s all that kept going through my head. I was praying that God would heal them, but it felt like the more I prayed the more they coughed. On top of that, I was sick. So I felt lousy, I’m praying for my family to get better, plus I was trying to fight off the guilt of not having insurance and on top of that we had no money! I started to get angry with God, but then I realized what was going on and started to pray against the lies. I finally start to fall asleep, when I see some one walk up to me. It was dark, so all I saw was the silhouette of a man. I was just about to get up when He got right over me, put His finger on my chest over my heart (when He did this I was pinned to the couch and could barely open my eyes. It felt like a boulder was on my chest), and said, “You better put Me in the center of your life because you’re in for a bumpy ride.” Then He left, and I jump off the couch and was trying to make sense of what just happened! I couldn’t figure out if it was a dream or if that really happened. Then I just brushed it off as another attack. I think it was because I was tired and wasn’t having a great night, that I ignored the message.
The next day I get home, Isaiah’s face is swollen, and he has hives on his face and body. We had to take him to the hospital because none of the pediatricians would see him right away because he wasn’t an existing patient. He gets checked out, we get his meds and go home. Then the first of the month arrives, we have no money, and on top of that the bank decided to withdraw $100 from us so that puts us in the negative. Then our realtor calls and says that we will be $300 dollars short after the closing is all done. The feeling of “This is it! It’s all going to fall apart right here!” was coming over me. Then the vision came to mind and I told Maira about it and said, “Maybe I should start taking that message seriously!?!” Then she responded, “Ah, ya think!” Oh yeah besides the rent, hospital bill, and closing costs we also needed money for gas, groceries, phone bill, my student loan, tuition, utilities and other stuff.
On Thursday, February 3rd, I go to the prayer room, and I’m asking God, “What am I suppose to do?” When I get home, UPS delivers the closing paperwork for the house in Arkansas. Our realtor had told us that we needed to get it notarized. So, I check with the school, they had no notary. We go to our bank and they don’t notarize closings. We go to the UPS store and they notarize but it costs $2.00 per signature. Mind you, there are 8 pages and 2 signatures on each page. Making it $16-$20 for the notary. So, I start to get angry at God again. I’m telling God, “You knew this was coming. Why haven’t you provided money? You knew we would need money for this and we have nothing. Not to mention we are running low on gas and we have no gas money.” So we head home to see if we can round up enough change to pay for the notary. On the way home, Maira tells me to stop at this local bank that we are passing. She goes in and asks if they do notaries for closings and what’s the charge. They say yes we do, and they charge $2.00 for the whole thing. We go home and get $3.00 in change and go back. We sit down and begin to sign the paperwork in front of her. We hand it over to her to notarize and as she goes over the paperwork, she finds a sticky note that says that the company in Arkansas will notarize it and all we have to do is send a copy of our driver’s licenses. She makes a copy for us for FREE. And we go back to the UPS store to mail it. On the way there, I have my tail tucked between my legs and say, “Hey God,…… uhhh……… sorry for getting angry……. Ok bye.” We get there; they had to print off a shipping label for us. They charged $1.20, which we had. All I could do was laugh at myself because I felt pretty dumb.
Friday morning, I’m in the prayer room again, still feeling stressed even though I knew God wanted me to wait. As I was praying, I tell the Lord that I am surrendering to the process because I know that the outcome is so much better than the process. And that my faith will be strengthened. I go to D-group, and after the class was done, someone comes up to me and says, “God has a word for you”. “That the pressure you’re feeling is…. I have you on a catapult and I just turned the crank. Keep making me your center because it’s not over yet. You’re in training.” There was more to the word but that was the confirmation of my vision. So, I get home and the low fuel light is on in the car. We have no money for gas. Some money had come in earlier in the week but because we were in the negative it ate up that money. We still had to go out to the night services and do groceries. So I just prayed, God you see we need gas. Either multiply the gas or supply money so I can get gas. We had enough to make it to the Friday night service. That afternoon, I checked the mail. There was a check in the mail that was enough for us to get gas and someone wired money to us. We deposited that money ASAP and had enough money to put gas in the car and for groceries.
On Monday, February 7, I call the property manager to tell her we were going to be late with the rent. (I just didn’t know how late) So of course, she tells me that if we don’t pay we will be evicted by the 15th. I told her that I understood. We did our income taxes and saw that we will be getting a good amount of money back. I call the property manager to tell her that we will be getting some money within 2 days to pay the rent. (We looked at our bank statements from last year and it showed that we got the state income tax within 2 days) Then Maira checks the status on the income tax and it says that it is still pending. They won’t process it until after the 14th! We decide to wait a couple of days to see if maybe money will come from somewhere else.
Wednesday, I’m just praying hard. I send Maira a text saying, “Hey call Harvest and ask them if they can help us out with rent and that we will pay them back when our income tax comes in” Then God got a hold of me and said, “No, you’re going to wait. Text her back and tell her not to call.” Well, I figured if I ignore God long enough then Maira would call. Yes I know, very dumb! Cause then it hit me, #1, I need to be obedient because I don’t want to rob myself of a lesson or a blessing. #2, God isn’t bound by my cell phone. If I don’t do it, He will. So I sent her another text, telling her never mind don’t call. And I just begin to cry. I keep asking God for guidance, “God! What is going on? What am I suppose to do? Is there someone I’m supposed to talk to?” Then it dawned on me, first God asks me if I trust Him with my kids, then He tells me to put Him center because it’s going to get bumpy. So then I calmed down and realized again for the umphteenth time that He is not surprised by our situations! He knew what was coming, He was prepping me before I got to this point
Thursday, February 10th, I go to the prayer room, and I’m asking God, “what am I suppose to do?” and all I get is “Wait” I text Maira and tell her what God told me and she said that she had a dream, and in the dream God told her to, “Be still and know that I am God.” So I just tell God, You’re telling us to wait, so I will wait.
Friday, I get a call from the property manager. She asks about the situation. I tell her about the income tax situation and she says, “You have to get more sponsors. She will give us until the end of the month and if we don’t pay the rent we will be evicted.” That was our breaking point. We just did not understand why God had not supplied the money yet. We were praying and asking God, “What’s the delay? What’s the problem? What is it that we need to do to get the money here? I need more than just wait.” We tried to regain our composure because we were scaring the kids. Even though we had peace internally, we were freaking out. We went to service that night and we cried our eyes out surrendering to the Lord. Saturday, I woke up numb. Just unsure of what was going to happen to us. I knew that God was in control, I had a peace within me that if we ended up being evicted, it was ok with me because God still sits on the throne. I no longer doubt if we are suppose to be here. I just had a peace but I felt numb (this feeling is hard to explain, so just accept my explanation).
Monday, February 14, I’m in the prayer room again and they were singing, I’ve got a joy like a river and here I am crying like a baby. I didn’t have any joy, I was trying to hold on to the peace that God had given me. When I went into the prophecy room, part of the prophetic word that was given, was that God was saying, “I’m the one in control. I’m training you. So don’t grow weary, You have caught on quickly to what the lesson is. Continue to learn the lesson.” After hearing that, my strength was renewed. Even though I knew this, hearing it from someone outside our situation, who doesn’t know what’s going on, to confirm this, just really renewed my strength. God is the one in control and no one else. God is the one who decides where we will live, when and where we will go. And because of this process, even though He has not provided for rent and everything else I mentioned yet. God has revealed His goodness, His mercy, His kindness, and His love. It’s strange, I know. But God doesn’t work according to our logic.
I’ve been praying, that God would tear down all the strongholds in my life that create a false view of who He is. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 it says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” I can’t explain how, but God has used this process to strip me and I have surrendered and He has begun to pull out all these false views and ideas of who He is. God wants our gaze to be on Him. He wants to capture our gaze. Because once our gaze is on Him, then we find out who He is, in turn finding out who we are. These arguments that set themselves up against “THE KNOWLEDGE” (this knowledge is not a head knowledge, this is a revelation of the heart) of who God is, come from either life experiences or role models that have treated us incorrectly in some way, shape, or form. Without us realizing it, they cause us to view God in this light. This is exactly where the enemy wants to keep us. Satan does not want us to know who God really is or what His true nature is because he knows that when we find out the true nature of God, we find out who we are and become dangerous to him. In Ephesians 2:6-7 it says, that God has seated us in heavenly places. The scriptures also say, that we are co-heirs with Jesus (Romans 8:17), giving us the same authority that Jesus has, but we don’t operate in it. Because we don’t know who we are yet.
In Exodus 34:5-7 it says, “ 5 Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. 6 And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” Now before I continue, let me explain this. In John 1 it says, that in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God. Of course, we know He’s talking about Jesus. Jesus is the Word. In Gen 1 in the creation story, when God thought, “let there be light”, the Word (Jesus) spoke it and the Spirit caused it to manifest. So, when Jesus came to us in the frame of a man, everything He did and said were the thoughts of God, because Jesus was the Word. Words articulate our thought. Jesus is the articulation of God’s thoughts. You can see this when Jesus said, (John 5:19, 12:49) everything I see my Father do, I do and everything I hear my Father say, I say. So when Jesus was being beaten and crucified, it was the Father telling us, “I would much rather kill myself than destroy the whole world.” Now seeing the very thoughts of God in front of us and the very nature of God living among us, we can understand who God is. Jesus said, If you see me then you have seen the father (John14). This is the same God from the Old Testament. By God telling us in our situation to BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD (Psalm 46:10), He was really telling us to stop and find out who we are IN HIM. Because again, by finding out who God is, we find out who we are. (IN HIM)
God truly revealed himself to me today, blowing my mind. Not a full revelation, but he gave me a glimpse. We have heard it said, if you are too earthly minded then you are no heavenly good, and if you are too heavenly minded, then you are no earthly good. When we say this phrase, we have a certain type of people in mind. But there is something wrong with this phrase. We need to be heavenly minded or we will not be any earthly good. In John 3:13 it says, “No one has ascended to heaven but He who came down from heaven, that is, the Son of Man who is in heaven.” In this Scripture Jesus is telling Nicodemus, I live in two realms. I live in the heavenly places and in the earthly places. Because Jesus was heavenly minded. Scripture tells us to think on things above (Colossians 3). To realize that through Christ, we have freedom to enter the throne room of God. Because when we are heavenly minded we will know what the Father is saying and what the Father is doing. We must live in two realms just as Jesus did. When we pray we should have confidence that we can get near to Him and embrace Him. And know that we belong before Him because of what Christ did for us. Instead, we approach God with the attitude of, “Do I have the right to stand this close to you and to speak so freely?” This is a stronghold! The enemy wants us to think that we can’t approach God with Christ’s authority. Scripture says, that Jesus has imputed his righteousness unto us (2 Corinthians 5:21). So when God looks at us, those that have accepted His gift of mercy (His crucifixion), He sees Jesus.
This is where God blew my mind today! In John 13:31-38, Jesus is telling the disciples that He will only be with them a little while longer and that where He is going they cannot go with them. Peter jumps up and asks where is he going? Jesus told him, where I am going you can’t follow me right now. But soon you will be able to follow. Peter then asks, why can’t I follow now? I will do anything. I will even lay down my life for you. (When Peter said this, it was almost as if he had a mindset of wherever Jesus is going, he wants the cream of the crop. I have to outdo everybody else. If someone gives $200, I’ll give $500.) Because he was telling Jesus, Pick me! I will even die for you. But Jesus looked at him and says, “will you really? Before the nights over you will betray me.” In Luke 22, Jesus tells Peter that the enemy has asked to sift his soul like wheat. In Luke 22: 32 Jesus says to him, “But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” In John 14, He tells him not to lose heart, because where I am going there are many rooms. There is enough room for everyone; you don’t have to fight to try to get in. I’m coming back to get all of you. And when Jesus told Peter that he has prayed for him, it’s almost as if he said don’t hang yourself like Judas did. Because on the most important night of human history, Peter’s own resolve was not enough when the pressure was on. The 3 years of seeing miracles, hearing Jesus speak and live was not enough to sustain him. Because he did not know who he was. The disciples did not realize who the Father was. In John 14, Thomas asked Jesus to let them see the Father and then they would believe. Jesus responds, if you have seen me then you have seen my Father. After Peter had betrayed Jesus, He looks over, sees Jesus looking at him, feels destroyed, and condemns himself. But because Jesus prayed for him he did not go and hang himself like Judas did. After Jesus died and was buried, all of Peter’s dreams, theologies, all that he thought he was, was gone. Because HE FAILED; he failed Jesus, he failed his brothers. He didn’t know what else to do. In John 21, he decides to go back to his old ways, fishing. And when they see Jesus on the shore, Peter goes out to him. Jesus has food ready and says, let’s have breakfast. And when Jesus asked, do you still love me more than these? Peter, do you still agape me more than the other disciples? Peter says, yes Lord, I do love (phileo-brotherly love) you. He felt hurt, because he felt that he had failed Jesus and that he did not deserve his love. Three times Jesus asked him. The third time when Peter said, I do Love You. Jesus said, Now you can follow me. Jesus had to first blow up Peter’s world. He thought he could outdo everybody else and that Jesus would pick him because of his good deeds. But Jesus first had to tear him down to show him that he is not self sufficient. He is not self sustaining, his theologies, religion would not sustain him in the hour of darkness. And at his lowest point is when God gets in his face and says, “Will you let me love you here”. And it’s the same with us. When we fail, we immediately go back to the old ways of dealing with our guilt, we beat ourselves up and say we are not deserving of God’s love. We wait for God to punish us. The story of the prodigal son, is not just a story of a backslidden Christian, it’s our story. Here the son has failed and he feels that he deserves nothing more than to be a slave in the Father’s house. But in this parable, it’s more of a Father that wastes everything for his children. We can see 5 characters of the Father in this story. While the son was a long way off the Father saw him. So this means that He was looking for him. Then He saw him and ran out to him, He embraces him and kisses him and puts new clothes on him. It’s in our weakest moment when we have failed and feel like we deserve nothing more than slavery and God says, “Will you let me love you here?” And He waits for our weak reach. Or some of us are like the other son, we do everything right, and try to please God through our works. Then complain to God, why don’t you bless me? Or give me anything? When the Father is standing there saying, just like your brother has access to everything, you have access to everything I possess. Peter had a fear that we all have. A fear of separation from God, fear of not being accepted. That’s why he felt he had to say something that outdid everyone else. The prodigal son also had the same fear that he would not be accepted and that the only way the Father would receive him was if he offered himself as a slave. Scripture says, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). And the Father longs to restore us and love us when we’re ugly.
In John 4:18 it says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Which brings me back to strongholds. Fear is a stronghold. Fear of being rejected and fear of not being accepted are all strongholds. These things give us a false view of God. These strongholds hold back the love of God in our lives. They keep us from experiencing the love of God firsthand in our lives. We can picture it as the love of the Father being floodwaters. And the strongholds as dams. The dams will only collapse to the extent that we agree with the Word of God. If we believe half the truth then you are only half free. When we agree completely with all the truths of God’s Word and speak them into our own life, then over time these strongholds collapse. It was in this that God made me realize, there is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can do to earn His love or cause Him to reject me. I had a fear that every time I failed, God was going to let us fall flat on our faces. Because when rent was not supplied, I felt like this was it! This is where it all falls apart and it’s my fault. I accused myself of being a terrible father. Because I quit a job that paid well, had great benefits and now I can’t supply for my children. And I also believed because of my schoolwork I was not spending enough time with them. And because of school and the lack of friendships I was a terrible husband. Through this process, God opened my eyes to the strongholds. And made me realize that I have taken my family and am running straight into the heart of God. And there is nothing more liberating than experiencing the true nature of God and discovering His love for us. And I know this process is not over. There is still more God wants to do. There isn’t any amount of work that we can do to earn the love of God. We can do all the church work we want and all evangelizing we want. Thinking God will notice us and that our works will please Him. But we forget the story of Mary and Martha (Luke10). Martha was not wrong in what she was doing. But Jesus wanted intimacy. We see it all throughout the parables. For example, the ten virgins, the five wise virgins, were wise because they cultivated intimacy with God. So when the hour of darkness came they had the oil of intimacy to keep their flames going. And when they went to meet the Bridegroom, their faces were illuminated by the flames of the intimacy they had cultivated. He recognized them, He had a history with them, and He knew who they were. But the five foolish virgins had not cultivated that intimacy. Which is why He didn’t know them, couldn’t see their faces, He didn’t’ know their voices. He didn’t have a history with them. It’s like Jesus said, there will be many that say, we have done so many works in your name and He will say I never knew you (Matt 7:21-23). Which is why, it’s so important that we cultivate that intimacy. To STOP, and BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Find out who I am through intimate relationship with me. And then the strongholds will collapse and then you will know who you are IN ME. So I still continue to pray that I may decrease that He may increase in my life. And God let me be so submersed in you, in the KNOWLEDGE of you that I would no longer exist.
Oh, before I forget! God took care of the $300 for the closing cost. I don’t know how, but our realtor told us not to worry about it, it had been taken care of. Also, the bank returned the money they withdrew! GOD IS IN CONTROL!