As in the other blogs, I’m going to share my weakest moment. I was humbled by this one and really wanted to beat my head against the wall because I felt pretty dumb. But, thank God for His mercy, forgiveness, love, and patience with us.
A lot has happened since the last blog, but I’m not going to fit everything in here. I want to focus on one specific thing. The issue is waiting…..again. I’ll tell you, I really don’t understand the human heart, cause we’ve gone through so many lessons of learning to trust and wait. You would’ve thought that we would’ve learned by now. I prayerfully hope that someday we…..I will.
Back in March during spring break, (the week Arianna was born), God opened my eyes to another “level” (or whatever you want to call it) of faith. I was reading 2 Kings 13:18-19:
“Then he said, “Take the arrows”; so he took them. And he said to the king of Israel, “Strike the ground”; so he struck three times, and stopped. And the man of God was angry with him, and said, “You should have struck five or six times; then you would have struck Syria till you had destroyed it! But now you will strike Syria only three times.” (NKV)
Just a little bit of a background on the verse. The king came to Elisha asking him for the Lord’s blessing in battle and Elisha told him to strike the ground.
Well, this verse bothered me! “God that’s not fair! Had he been told how many times to beat the ground, he would’ve been obedient!” I protested. God replies, “The issue was his faith. The command was to strike the ground. He needed to have faith that I would have told him to stop. I wanted his faith and trust in Me and not in his own strength.” Needless to say, that struck me.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks, for the sake of the story. We were in the middle of another lesson of having faith and waiting on Him. We were low on money and running out of food. I was making the kids their lunch, and thinking to myself that I could go to “Manna 4 You” (IHOP’s food pantry) and see if I could get a few things until God provided the money. While I was thinking this, God asked me a question. “Do any of the members of your body move without a signal from the brain?” I answered, “Noooo???” Then He asked, “So if you are walking one direction, do one of your feet go off in another direction on its own?” Again I answered, “Nooo???” I was a little confused; I didn’t know where He was going with this. Then He said, “I am the head, you are a member of the body. You don’t move unless I say.” Then He reminded me of 2 Kings. So, I knew then I needed to continue waiting. (Just as a side note: God provided for food later that week.)
So I finished out the semester and was going to get a job over the summer. I thought I was going to do the Summer Early Entry Program (SEEP) but I didn’t have tuition. It was $1250 and it had to be paid in full. But when I mentioned to Maira that I was thinking of getting a job, she immediately got sick to her stomach and said that it didn’t sit well with her. She felt that I was supposed to do SEEP. So I continued praying about it. I mentioned the idea to a friend and they too got sick and said they didn’t like the idea. I took it as a sign that I was not suppose to get a job yet, plus as I continued praying about it God gave me peace about waiting. One night I woke up at 3:00 am to pray and ask God for guidance, (there were other issues going on that I needed His guidance for), I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. We didn’t have money for SEEP and I thought it was pretty clear that I wasn’t supposed to get a job. So I continued praying and asking God for guidance, understanding, and clarity. I didn’t know what to do. May 16th was the last day to register and it was Thursday the 12th. God encountered me in such a way that it gave me a peace that I have never experienced before. The environment had a stillness about it. It felt like, I could’ve taken a ball or something and placed it in mid air and it would have stayed there. The next day a check came in the mail for more than half of the tuition. I was still $250 short. I continued praying asking for guidance and the money.
Monday the 16th arrives; I get up early to go to the prayer room. As I’m getting ready, I’m praying that the rest of the money would show up that day. As I was praying I hear God say, “Don’t eat anything or drink any coffee until the mailman comes.” I got excited, I thought that meant that the money was going to arrive that day. So I go to the prayer room and I’m struggling to stay awake. I would doze off, then wake up and ask God to help me to stay awake. I fought to stay focused as I prayed for others, different issues that were going on, then I would start to doze off again. This continued on for an hour or so. Finally I get up and go to the coffee shop next door to try and read. While I’m there and smelling the coffee, I start to question, “Did God really tell me not to drink coffee?” So I go and get a cup of coffee with a double shot espresso. As soon as I drink it, I felt the fog lift from my mind and my thoughts began racing. It was then I realized why God told me not to drink coffee. Now, I’m not saying coffee is the “devil”. But instead of pressing through and leaning on God to try and pray and stay focused on His Word. I drank coffee and now I really couldn’t focus! My thoughts were everywhere!
I get home and share with Maira about what God had told me, and the coffee. I told her that I would need help not eating, because I drank the coffee on an empty stomach, it tends to make me more hungry than I would normally be.
As the day went on and avoiding food, I see the mailman walk right pasted our house. We didn’t get any mail that day! So I go and eat some lunch. I was pretty ticked off. “What was I waiting for God?! Tuition is due today! Am I not going to school? If you would just give me clear direction, I will do what you ask!” I said. I know that God brought us out here to go to school so I decide to pay tuition any way. The Lord had provided some more money over the weekend, but I was still $50 short. I tried to pay it on my phone, but for some reason it didn’t work. Our laptop was broken at the time so I went to the library to use the computer there. And for some reason the website wouldn’t come up. I head back to the house, ticked off! I start praying, “God, you said in your Word, ask and it will be given, seek and you will find. I’ve been asking for guidance, clarity, understanding, and direction but yet I haven’t gotten anything! Am I not asking the right questions? Am I not seeking in the right place? I’m seeking it from you! What is going on?” I get home and try again over the phone, and it worked. I paid the tuition, but now we were -$50 in the bank. I know, very dumb!
But it was the last day to register. The rest of the day I was angry at God, because I had been praying for the money, direction, understanding and I hadn’t gotten anything. But while I was complaining to God, I would also say, “I know somewhere in all of this I am wrong! Show me where it is.” We went to church that night and when we got back it was around 11:00 pm. I check my student email, and there was an email stating that they were extending the registration date. The last day was now Friday the 20th of May. Also if you couldn’t pay the full amount of the tuition, you could pay half now and the rest in July. The first payment was $625! Now I was really ticked!
I asked, “God you knew this was going to happen and you didn’t tell me anything! Your Word says, ask and you shall receive. I asked and got nothing! Seek and you will find, I was seeking for your direction and I didn’t find it! So where am I wrong in all of this?”
Then God answered, “I told you not to drink any coffee or eat anything until the mailman came. Has the mailman come yet?” Then He reminded me of 2 Kings 13:18-19 and says, “I didn’t tell you to move.” Then He brought the story of Saul and Samuel to memory. In 1 Samuel 13:1-13 Saul was going to war and Samuel told him that he would come and offer the burnt offering. But when Saul saw that Samuel was late and the soldiers were deserting him, he offered the burnt offering. When He finished, Samuel shows up. Because he acted out of compulsion God would not established his kingdom. Then God said to me, “You never move out of compulsion.”
I became a pile of mush on the floor. If I could have hid under the carpet, I would have. I felt so low at that moment. Because of my compulsive action, I put us in a financial bind. I thought that I might be able to correct the mistake by getting a refund, but it would take 10 days before I got the money back. I kept on beating myself up. I felt so stupid for the way I was accusing God and the way I spent the money. He had given me guidance, direction, and understanding, but I was blind to it. It didn’t come the way I was expecting it to. I was also beating myself up because I felt like I should have learned this by now! God has supplied for us in so many different ways and in ways we never saw coming. I kept asking for forgiveness. I was apologizing to God for my stubbornness and for what I got my family into.
We went to the Friday night service and they made a call that if anyone needed prayer for anything to raise your hand. I raised mine, cause I was still feeling low and kicking myself. Someone comes and prays for me and the Lord began to speak through them. He told me, “You need to repent from your mistake and move on. I don’t want you stuck here.” And as they were saying this to me I was praying in my mind, “God, how do I repent from this one?” Then God answered through them, “God says that you know how to repent.” Then they said, “God says you don’t need to ask for forgiveness for those things that you think are character flaws. I placed them there, just let Me refine them.”
I am so thankful for God’s love, mercy, kindness, patience, and forgiveness! I truly hope this ministers to you in some way. Please continue to pray for us as we pray for you. Pray that we may continue to endure as God has lunged us into another lesson of faith that we feel is the most difficult one yet. We both continue to pray that God will encounter all who read our blog, in such a way that would just blow your mind and capture your heart the way He has ours.
Oh, by the way the mailman came on Friday.
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